22th

Sunday, July 5, 2009

The entry dedicated to Dad, for his loss of b-day, as a birthday gift from me. And of course, it's dedicated to Mom, too, the person who co-operates to create me.

22th here means my Twenty-twoth Birthday! Okay, finally another b-day comes to me. Warning: stop confusing or correcting me that it should be the 23th in stead of 22th b-day of mine according to the Chinese lunar calendar's way of calculating age or Vietnamese "pre-born age" (tuổi mụ). I'm 22 years old now, no matter what.

You will ask me what does my 22th b-day mean to me? Okay, it simply means that I used to be 18 four years ago, or I used to be 16 six years ago! As an ultra nostalgic style, I'm negatively obsessed by the grown-up. Thus, all the upcoming b-days always tragically remind me of the fact that I'm in the progress to get older, or say, the distance between past and present is more and more lengthening. Past is apparently unapproachable. Of course it's just my personal point of view, you can find it preposterous, but if it wasn't because of my too sweet childhood, I wouldn't cherish the past that much cordial and regretful. Life is becoming less happy than it used to be as the time passes by, so I find it a little unpleasant to accept my growth. When I was a child, the thing I most yearned was to be mature, and now, ironically, to stay young is the most longing wish ever. Human is just vagarious! So am I.

It's, if I am right, 3 or 4 years since I realized that b-day is not that important!I t's just a day, as others. I didn't have funny b-days, but grey ones these years so that I felt really tedious about them. And this year, 2009, is the first time I have my b-day in a foreign country. Right before my b-day just several days was my Dad's "formal" birthday. I call it formal b-day because he even doesn't have a real date of birth himself! It was because of the fucking stupid war that some Vietnamese people were impossible to remember their dates of birth; they lost their birth papers from the war. Fuck it! Fuck the war. Why it does exist? You see? Even someones (e.g. my Dad) don't have an exact date of birth themselves, then what it really means? Just plain meaningless!

My Dad never asks anyone else to congratulate him in his b-day. And unfortunately our family members always forget his day when it comes, we just rarely remember for some years. I guess with him, b-day is just something humble (because it isn't his real day!). It's just one year since I was aware of that, and I felt just hellacious, for his loss. Oh, damnit, I used to have very happy b-days celebrated by my parents and friends but he, as long as I can remember, never have someone do the same thing. Holyshit, I'm just embarrassed myself that I am very much more lucky than him and I realized how I neglected him...

Moreover, I don't know why but the more I become mature, the more trivial I consider b-days. I love my past time, it was just memorable with lot of funny time. I used to be very naive to enjoy the life, and it was just the purest aspiration I could have. I saw the life just wonderful. Now, it's harsh as I more and more involve into, and I'm tired sometimes. The aspiration for the b-day as a child yearns for new gifts given has saluted by time to me. And as said, b-day is a sign of time's passing by, so I don't really fancy the event that much. I'm now 22, I even can't believe it. The 18-year-old-boy seems just standing in front of my eyes, and I can't stop recalling that time---the time when I lived lively, carelessly and full of energy, full of curiousness to the big world; everything has just over. Maybe I am under sting of memories too much, but my heart wrings whenever I look back the road I have passed through.

Being 22 is a little funny. Generally when you pace into it, it's time when you are nearly done with the study process, and getting start to embark upon the real life. All I care now is how my future will be? I'm in the last year of my student time, and I'm gonna graduate soon. After that, I will stand in the conflux of life; many ways opening to me, and whichever I choose, will lead my life into a different direction. Thing is that I should choose the good one, not the misleading way. Now, it's time for me to hustle myself, to push myself to go. I must keep going! I must have a good knowledge foundation for the awaiting life ahead. I must equip myself with necessary stuffs like perception, experience or abilities. I just wanna swallow everything! Damn, so much to do. But I will manage all well!

Okay, even b-day doesn't seem to be very special to me, and I don't feel really happy those days, but I'm very grateful to everyone who show your kind hearts by giving me such nice wishes. So yeah, you know you revitalize me a lot, don't you? If there is something I wanna confide, I just wanna tell to you all that please enjoy the life as much as you could! Time passes really quick even you don't realize that. The moment you're living in will never return, so cherish it well. Live positively in order for you not to regret about time, about deeds you made. You will never have a chance to re-live the time you want, chance comes just once, so you'd better live happy! I have suffered from enough tristesses, okay no pain no gain, I know. Thus, I just wanna live happily now and then. In order to achieve that, I should let myself get out of dumb things and learn to think less complicated. I wish I could. I have learnt to accept the fact that the memories are just memories, just keep them along with you as personal keepsakes, make them the dynamic of life for you to keep living, and try to enjoy the current life! So yeah, the birthday wish is just simply a happy life ahead. No more, no less.

Happy life. Happy life. Happy life.

Again, be thankful to all the wishes. And thanks to my lady for staying beside me, one I know always wants to make my b-day memorable. She's sweet.

I miss Hanoi very much.

22th Birthday, 060709
03:34 am, Hanoi
11:34 pm, Seinajoki