All about Love

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I once weened myself as a love-savvy but seemingly the truth turns out to be not that positive. Okay, it doesn't mean I have no clue about the so-called Love, I'm not that naive, of course. Basically you can say love is just love, it's something like a two-people-story---when a boy falls into a girl, then love appears. True! But it's just the simplified description, or say, it's just the outset of a love road.

I had the real love since I was 17---now I'm 22---when I was still in pupil-age. I call it real love, or "official" love 'cos I had uncountable crushes before, and I don't count crushes onto my love list. Crush means unrequited love, or fugitive affection---or more romantic, coup de foudre (love at first sign) as the French says---that I can't take it seriously. But after all, crush is such an enchanted feeling that could make you tipsy. It's weird and tempting. Well, the very first crush---I mean it's the earliest one I could reminisce---naturally came to me when I was in the 2nd grade---means 7 years old. Wait, am I detouring now? I think I aimed to recite about my 1st real love, don't I? Hmm... anyway, let's finish my crush stories first 'cos crush is in relation to love.

Crushes

She was the monitress of the class whilst I was her sub---means I was just under her but above everyone else in the class---and we were targets for bullying from our classmates. Since I was too cool that time--or at least I though I was cool--and she was cool, too; we quickly became the hot couple of the whole school---confessedly, I think we were hot just within our class, but whatever--and every other naughty mates always tried to make fun of us; they called us spouses or something that really annoyed to both of us!

Of course I was so shy being teased like that but I spontaneously felt really into her. She was really cute! She had short hairstyle floating over her shoulders, a babyish face and an angelic smile, that broke me into pieces whenever I contemplated her. Well, I remember one time while I was in my class, and my angel was standing up reading something from the textbook as assigned from our teacher. I couldn't help but just keep staring at her without noticing about anything else surrounding me. I must have forgotten that I was in the class---actually any boy loses his mind whenever he thinks of his girl, not only me---then when she was done reading, the teacher requested me to comment about her reading skill. What the hell?!! You could guess that I couldn't say a word! The teacher knew I was absent-minded in class because of busy spectating my girl---well, I wish she actually were mine---and it was bad as hell that she recklessly decried me in front of the whole class. She said to all that I busied watching my girl so that I was impossible to follow the lesson. Consequently everyone just laughed their asses off! You see, they couldn't lose any chance to make fun of me, it's what children meant for---making fun of friends. And my teacher was just unsubtle, wasn't she?

Well, it was notorious that I fancied that pretty girl, but it was even more notorious that she fancied me, in return. I knew that even she has never ever confirmed, or confided. But when I saw her in her eyes, they told me that---hell, sounds like I'm day-dreaming---she fancied me. You see? The imagination of such 7-year-old-boy is quite imaginative huh? I have never ever told to her that I like her, either. Well, when I recall that sweet time I think I should bravely ask her out then end up dating her. But swear to God, I couldn't have a single chance to confess with her since our naughty, inquisitive mockers were ever-present somewhere waiting to make fun of us. And truthfully I didn't even know that there was something called "date" existed! Anyway, she and I had a very nice memorable friendship, even it was transient. I was with her just for 2 years. My mom took me to another primary school 'cos the education quality was better there, which was equivalent that the fragile, innocent, childish love of ours to be mercilessly killed---if it has ever existed. It is surprised to me now that when I changed my school, I even didn't say a word to my girl, or didn't bother thinking of her. Well, it's the way a child is---forget things naturally and easily. Such a funny memory to retrospect.

You know what? Sometimes I wonder how could that damsel be when she grows up? Still she retains that cutie? Where the hell she is now? And most important, still she likes me---hell, perhaps I'm still deeply in dream---I mean still she remembers me? It's appr. 15 years I haven't had a news from her, and she must have changed a lot as the time flies. I really wish to catch her again sometimes somewhere 'cos I like to be with old buddies in order to converse about the past and to retrospect altogether. Well, if this thing coincidentally happens, I will ask her out then end up dating her! Ha ha, I'm kidding, of course!

Then it's all about my first crush. Right after I changed the school, I had some other crushes with someone else---well, it is the way boys are. And the more I grew up during the pupil-age, the more crushes came, but they are all just short-term fugacious affections, most of those were girls who sat right next to me in the class, mean we shared the same benches. The next girl I had a crush on was a very intelligent and diligent pupil, she was quite good at studying. The feeling I had on her is more apparent than it was on the first one, it might because I grew up a little more, I felt like her suaveness and intelligence a lot. But I was quite shy to confide in her so we stayed as friends all the time since my primary school time ended, 2 years. Again, I had to change to another school 'cos we all upgraded into next educational level, the secondary school. Thanks God this time we all were old enough to ask others' telephones or addresses to keep track! Still, we were able to meet again the following years and we ended up being good friends until now. Actually, I had a very nice impression of her for all that time. She is still a nice, intelligent girl at present.

In the secondary school I still had deep crushes---why the hell I'm always stuck in crushes?--but things still didn't come to a happy ending. After all, some of the girls I used to have crushes on end up being my good friends now, or else the rest of them disappear on my life. I can't count how many girls I really fell into, 'cos you know when girls reach the age of secondary school---12 to 15 years old---they're growing up. They transform magically from babies to real girls, and I must say it's the time girls are so attractive or more than just attractive. That's why I had so many crushes this period 'cos I had so many attractive buds surrounding me. Among of those, there were 3 girls I fell deeper then others and they were my salient memories. One of them, was such a wunderkind. She was the best girl I have ever met in my entire life, until now. I am saying about her intelligence on studying. She was just a genius, to be terrific on every subjects at school and to be the outstanding pupil among others. I think she was one of the top pupils on my class, or my school as well. She had several same hobbies with me like reading same books from same authors or else. Now you can see how deeper the crush was when I was in secondary school---we did talk, we did come close to each other and we did share something personal like hobbies---things have never happened when I was smaller, in primary school.

Since boys and girls are in secondary school, they now naturally have tendency to communicate or to get in touch or to inquire the other sex. In primary school, boys are in boys' world and girls are in girls' world, like two discrete worlds. It's funny that when boy or girl is smaller, like in the kindergarten age, the sex difference doesn't matter much. Little boys can play well with little girls without hesitation. I guess at that time children don't even have the perception about sex difference. Anyway, in primary school boys really hesitate to play with girls 'cos they have certain perception that they differ from each other---that impedes them from coming close to each other, too. I guess it was why I couldn't get close to my little girl. Poor her---I mean, me.

Okay, let's go back to my crush. Well, that girl to whom I'm talking above had a very ugly personality, more like a boy than a girl I suppose. She had strong personality, in deed. She was easy-going, too, that made us converse snugly together. In fact, we had very much childish conflicts but those crap didn't baffle our friendship much, even sometimes I just wanted to kick her ass (ha ha) for her stubbornness and conceit.

It is funny that I didn't know there was something called "crush" existed. Of course a small child can't know that complicated concept, can he? Only after I'm mature could I be cognizant of what crush is. So yeah, during that fargone time, the naive child like me always insisted that whenever I fell into a girl, it was---ridiculously---a true love. Because of that, believe it or not, I myself felt like being heart-broken many times whenever I fancied a girl but she even didn't pay attention to me. Then the fragile heart of such a naive inconsolably broke into pieces like hell. Hilarious! Anyway, I deem that she fancied me, just like I pretty fancied her. We kept the trend go well until the end of 2nd-ary school but nothing more special came, we still were not mature enough to deal with such a big deal like love.

Hilariously, during the time I was into that girl, I had paid attention to two other attractive girls, ha ha. One was close friend of the girl I mentioned already, and the third one is our monitress. Oh yeah, seemed like I had special interest in monitresses huh? To easily tell, I will name them as respectively as following: A,B and C. I fell into A for her personality, but she was a complicated girl, too. Sometimes I really didn't understand her. B was a little cutie, and C was just my idol. I didn't know why but B was the first girl I have ever confessed my affection. Unfortunately I was rejected. Hell, I felt really like her, and I decided to ask her out. I bought her a nice gift for her birthday---now what, you see? A boy starts to cajole a girl by giving her something tangible in stead of just speech and action---but she even didn't give a glance on my gift. She restored it to me right after I gave it to her, couldn't remember whether she said anything else but it was terrible enough. So cool! C'mon lady, you don't need to overreact like that do you? I was just too frustrated so that it seemed to be the last time I talked to her ever, it lasted for years. It was the first time I experienced something call lovelornness. And it bled the hell out of me! I was heavily grievous and started to flee from her even we were in the same class! I blamed her for everything, she was too cold, she was heartless and insensitive. Why the hell did I have a crush on her? Ha ha, believe me or not, when we all grow up, we're now close friends of each other. Such silly memory! She's now a very charming girl, wish she be lucky on life, hon.

The C girl was quite an solemn person to me, I idolized her, I mean it was something greater than just adoration or admiration. She was cute, statuesque, long hair, piquant, nubile, amiable, intelligent, sensitive, suave, caring... Hell, I think I should shut up now or else I would lengthen this blog entry to 100 pages more just to praise her. General speaking, she was just perfect to me! The crush was too deep that I couldn't let her know my true feeling, 'cos I simply couldn't. Hell, I still have no idea why I could idolize her intensively like that, but she was just totally the number one girl I have ever thought of. Maybe I was too naive and too stupid that time, but that crush lasts very long! Until I have a true first love or even later, I think. But now, game is over. She is just a girl, maybe she has certain good sides but she has bad sides, too. It's just me who extravagantly exalt her much more than she is herself. One exactly phrase for this case: beauty lies in the beholder's eyes! Or simply my personal paranoia...

C girl now almost disappears in my life, and since we got out of the 2nd-ary school to continue stepping into the more important educational level---high school---I seldom had chance to see her again. We end up being nothing to each other, or just normal old classmates. Anyway.

So from now and then, welcome to my high-school time, to meet others my crushes. :P

Like usual, I had several crushes in highschool---why the hell I was always stuck in crushes?---but all of those were quite vague. In fact, I had no crush as vehement as it was in 2nd-ary school, so they don't deserve telling here. But I, naturally and surprisingly, faced one of most impeccable event eventually happened in my life--thing that made me stop immersing myself in crushes. Yes, I'm talking about the so-called Love.

It is sufficient for the first part of this writing. I will reveal more in the next part which will be written later. Soon. So, stay tuned!

0654 am

0254 pm

Kauhava, 170709